I'm happy and it's weird.
For the first time in college, I finally feel like I belong here.
I think I felt more acclimated at some points. But it was more like, hey I kind of belong in this group and it's cool. But for the first time, I really actually believe it. And I'm hopeful about the future. And I like being in Austin. And I actually believe that I have friends. And the thought of taking classes here in Austin in the summer sounds like a great idea actually.
Took me a while. But I feel like things are starting to come together. And it's so very nice.

I've been neglecting writing in here. And I'm sorry. I like having documentation of things. I haven't mentioned sophomore year hardly at all. But I mean, that's probably a good sign. I find that I have less time to sit around and write things, when I am actually out doing things instead of thinking too much.
Well, I still think too much. But I'm out and about at the same time.

So. What have I been doing? I mean, this is just as much for my own memory as it is for others to read. If you guys still check on this.
Up until about two weeks ago actually, I had been around the music building a ton. It was wonderful. I made friends with the bassoon majors, they accepted me as one of them. I had a key to the reed room, and I was hanging out, working on reeds. I'm taking lessons with Nathan, and I'm in Symphony Band again, and I played on the first University Orchestra concert. Michael S. even said he saw me at the music building more than some of the music majors. And I was so very happy, because I was in touch with the bassoons here. Something I completely missed out on last year. It stressed me out so much, and it made me so very sad.
And this semester, I tried. And it worked. And I made it onto the reed room door. I helped out with bassoon day. We played Clocking in band, and I had the solo. God I love that piece so much. It used to be the song I listened to towards the end of senior year, during the sad days. A little twinge of bad memory comes with that, but I can separate it and thing about how wonderful the chords in that piece are. And I was invited to bassoon dinners, and everything was cool. And I remembered how much I love love love bassoon boys.

And then at one point within that, there was one day. I was dividing my time between the music building and the comics office, and it seemed that my two chosen extracurriculars/passions were interfering. And the fact that this thing I did on a whim was interfering with music, it was so frustrating. And I felt stuck.
I was in between groups. I was a bassoon. And even as much as I tried to be in their group, I'm just not a music major. And with the comics people, I felt myself having to try. With music people, I know the symphonies, the composers, the terms. I don't try. With comics people, I'm still learning their ways. I don't know anything about comics, I hardly know anything about art. My writing needs a lot of work, and my sense of humor (at least within my comic), doesn't fit in with the rest of them. And it made me a little sad. I had friends, but I felt like I only kind of sort of belonged with them.

And I stayed at the music building more and more. And it was cool. I was a music person again.
And then about two weeks ago I went to the office. It had been so long. And I realized that I really miss them. And after that day I resolved to go to the comics office more. I actually did do it too. I go almost every day now.
And I realize now that there is a difference. Now that I have gotten closer to the bassoons, I now have a choice. I can either chill at the music building or the comics office. And either would be fine. Last year, I missed music and music people so very much. I felt like I was only with the comics people because they were the only people I had.
Now it's different. I can choose. And I actually find myself choosing comics lately. It makes all the difference, that choice. I have friends on the page, actual friends. I could possibly belong with either, but I can go with the comics people and feel fine about it. And it's because I want to, not because I have no other options.

Apart from bassoons and comics, I also have a friend, Maritza. My closest friend in Moore-Hill. We met because we're both in the Music and Events Committee, and she's a music nerd as well. We went to see Jonsi in concert last week. I've also been getting closer with Kayla the film major, who lived in my hall last year. I find it easy to talk to her. She makes me feel hopeful about living life how you want to, even if it means making your creative hobbies into an actual career.

It was this weekend that made me realize I have friends.
Friday, I went to a movie with Kayla and we went to this coffee place and just talked a bunch. Afterward I impulsively called up Maritza to ask if she wanted to walk around 6th street and watch the drunk people. And then I had been talking to Gabe a bit via Facebook chat about how I didn't really have plans for Halloween. And he told Victoria, and so we went to Gabe's friend's party, and it was very fun.
I'm also very excited, because I'm pretty sure Victoria and I will live together next year. We just have to find a place. It's going to be pretty sweet.

And things are okay right now. I just have to keep studying. I need to focus. And I need to try.
But things are looking up, and for the first time I am really glad that I am here. Because it's not so bad.
I just need to figure out what I want, and I need to get on track quickly before things get too screwed up.

And to leave on a happier note than that, due to the nature of this entry, I would like to say that The Wizarding World of Harry Potter is officially happening in January. It's going to be epic. Also, I'm visiting Christine in New York over Thanksgiving. Also, she might be coming here next weekend, and there might be a comics party that weekend as well, and I have people to dress up with at the Harry Potter premiere, and basically, this month is going to be pretty great.

The following is a portion of my genetics "notes", when I lost concentration and wandered off a bit.

Transcription moves along the gene (not that big, under twenty base pairs)
RNA at its 5' end, unwinds from DNA template.
Only last handful of nucleotides at 3' end
God, 1 and a half hour classes just kill me. HOW DID I DO THIS IN HIGH SCHOOL. Honestly.
The first nucleotide transcribed labeled as +1, then +2, and so on and so forth
But from that point on UPstream, labeled with negative numbers.
These can describe nucleotides in either of the strands
Giving a linear position, but in can refer to any of those three strands. Ya know.

I always forget UT Austin is a smart school.
Like, I ALWAYS forget.
Like, it never EVER occurs to me.
EVER.
HAHAHAHAHAHA
this place sucks.

lol that is so strange
I need to draw comics
oh no oh no i am losing focus
it's gone
i'm done for
i'm typing
but not listening
and not thinking
just typing typing typing
octopus. moose.
dang
when my thoughts go astray it is only to animals
i can't play that game kayla has
i am not creative
i need to find people to go see harry potter with me and dress up
i wish i had people to be nerds with
well, harry potter nerds with
damn these other nerds
that are not harry potter nerds
because as victoria pointed out,
harry potter is my chosen fandom
INDEED IT IS
A TRUER STATEMENT HAS NOT BEEN SAID
in recent memory
and i have a bad memory
but still
oh god at least i'm recording
that's why i need to record because i'm not listening to her
"it's so very small…"
"IT'S BECAUSE YOU'RE A FUCKING ELF"
lolololololol
I don't want to be a fangirl
but…it's harry freakin' potter
i need to find a better seat/way to sit/place to sit/position
my back hurts
manatee
SEAFOAMMM i just ordered a shirt to printed on SEAFOAMMM
note to self: buy headbands from american apparel.
STOP. genetics time.

And it was a good day. Pretty good night too, although it did drag on for a bit.
I don't feel like going into much depth, so quick summary! Just a very good day. No genetics discussion, on the bus to psychology there was a bird on the bus and people were freaking out and a bunch of black guys were cracking jokes and yelling out random things and it was hilarious, orchestra audition went well, met a bassoon performance major named Michael and he is awesome and I want to be best friends with him, talked to the bassoon professor about getting a key to the reed room and possibly being able to leave my bassoon in there since I can't get a locker, got off the waitlist so I am officially in genetics, and I did not eat dinner alone. So, a good day.
At night, went out with Sarah, Jenna, and Huong, and we went to this guy's apartment and I watched people play drinking games and it was all very amusing. "Tastes like college" and "miraculous bombshell." Went to another apartment, a very nice one, and observed one of those very college-y parties. Sarah and co. kept asking me if I was alright or comfortable, because I guess I just appear to look awkward at parties, especially since I don't drink, but I really don't mind honestly. And I do wander off by myself voluntarily sometimes. But Sarah is nice and so are her friends. So it was fun.
So tonight when they asked if I wanted to chill at this other guy's apartment, I declined. Went out last night so I just wanted to stay in the dorm. Because Saturday is my chill day. Although I've been chipping away at my lengthy to-do list, accomplishing the things I can do just in my room. Errands tomorrow when the buses are running again.
College is fun. Although this is the last weekend before the real work begins. Ick.

Or just the one.

So after that entry yesterday I ran all my errands, visited some of my favorite places on campus, and it was really quite enjoyable actually. And productive! I even chilled on the bed chair things at the union. And played piano at the music building, ha.
On a sidenote, I'm listening to a Genius generated playlist starting from a Four Tet instrumental remix of Kings of Convenience's 'The Weight of My Words,' and it is an incredibly chill and really awesome playlist. Chill with a nice little backbeat. My ipod is full of such awesome things! I really need to explore it properly still. I'm really starting to appreciate Broken Social Scene a lot more.
Anyway, yesterday's low point was after I set about decorating my room exactly how it was last year. The picture wall is exactly the same, for now. My plan was to start the same and then look for additional pictures taken since decorating last year, and then take a few down and replace them. But use the original setup as a starting point, structure wise. And then I put up all the people pictures on my bulletin board, and as I was putting up all of these, it just hit me really hard how little has changed since last year. Even if I do put up some new ones, there aren't all that many pictures from college I could add. I really don't have that many friends here. And I just started crying, a lot harder than I have in a while. It's especially worse since I've been pretty happy with my friends over the summer. And then I get back here and remember, oh right, I fail. And it was a pretty miserable moment. Damn picture wall.
But don't worry, like I said, that was the absolute low point. After that, it was like the universe took pity on me and set about to prove me wrong.

So after finishing my wall, and making sure my eyes were no longer puffy and red, I went to get food. Considered taking it back to my dorm and eating there before catching the bus to Jon's apartment, but then I saw Matt, a guy who lived in Moore-Hill last year. And I sat with him and some of his friends, including this girl Jackie, who I had seen quite a lot but never formally met. I noticed the Lollapalooza band on her wrist, and we talked about that, figuring out that we have similar taste in music. And it was nice, because earlier I kept delaying getting food because the prospect of eating alone after my little break down (made all the more pathetic by the fact that it was only the second day), and then there I was, eating with other people, like a perfectly socially capable human being.
'I Gotta Feeling' even played over the sound system in the dining hall, another little mood booster. Again, thank you universe.
Well, until after I said bye and headed for the bus stop. Missed the bus, saw it pass by about a block ahead of me. Walked across campus for the next best route. Started having an impromptu nosebleed because that just happens to me, and then after a while, and two calls from Carolynn asking where I was, I got to Jon's apartment.
And we chilled, and it was fun, and I forgot that I do actually have friends in Austin, a fact Carolynn kept reminding me of. Once, I mentioned something about 'my friends' i.e. not them, and Carolynn was like, 'But we're your friends too Claudine!' And then of course she got drunk and started talking about how grateful she was to have us and how much she loved us, because she tends to do that when inebriated, which is quite ego boosting really, haha. According to Carolynn, I am 'the cutest person in the world.' And I'm just like, well shucks.
And Thomas is huge now! Rachel's used-to-be-puppy is a giant now! I was like, well that dog has the exact same coloration as Thomas where is he..oh my god is that Thomas?! Crazy. And it was so lovely to see Victoria and Rachel and Jon and Connor. And to have them all doodling and Riki playing Sleeping Lessons by The Shins on the organ that Jon apparently just took from a random garage. I want one. It is one of the most awesome things I have ever seen in someone's apartment. And apparently Victoria, Sammy, and I are the only ones who haven't drawn dicks, because we are the innocent ones, and then Sammy drew his first cock, and it had a smiley face :D on it, which was perfect because Sammy is the most innocent one. And then Victoria drew Spidercock, just for Carolynn, and I started singing 'Spidercock, spidercock, does whatever a Spider can...?' and Sammy goes, 'Shoots a web...' and we all crack up, and Victoria draws Spidercock in action, shooting it's web of...well, you know. And Sammy looked ashamed of himself, but I thought it was so entertaining.
And I tried some of Rachel's Mike's Hard Lemonade, and lo and behold it did not taste terrible. Pretty good, in fact. Still prefer regular limeade, but meh. I've decided that I am just overly sensitive to the bad taste of alcohol.
And then we ordered pizza, and I only mention it because they always order such surprising things. I mean, especially since at the Harry Potter Party (which was pretty awesome, and I still have yet to write about, but whatever, you were there) everyone seemed to be pleased with just cheese, and then the comics people are like, feta and olives! red peppers, sausage, and jalapenos! whatever as long as there's pineapple! And it's just amusing. And then Connor and Brian leave to go get drugs, and then they come back, and I just wanted to burst out laughing because I have never seen Connor look that high. Like his eyes were so red and watery, and he just kind of sat off to the side for the rest of the night.
And then everyone drew cat tattoos on Carolynn's arms, and on a piece of paper Riki drew an entire band of cartoon cats, called The Magnetcats, with the drummer being a cyborg-like cat who was half cat, half drum machine. It was really pretty awesome. And then Rachel and others left, but I stayed and we sang Queen, and then Victoria quoted A Very Potter Musical to Carolynn and I geeked out so bad in excitement, and we were all geeking out, and I played Granger Danger on the speakers. And Jon mentioned wizard rock, and I said how I had been to a Harry and the Potters concert, and people were excited. And I was just excited that the conversation had finally turned to Harry Potter. And us girls talked about Quirrelmort, the OTP, which I learned means 'one true pairing'.
And then Jon felt the need to get out the good tequila, and Jon is legit, seeing as how he was a bartender for a while. And I said I had never had tequila, nor a shot of any sort, and they said that if I was to try it, this should be it. Because this was $250 tequila, and I disagreed, saying that I wouldn't be able to appreciate it. But ah well, must live in the moment, and I did a tequila shot! And it wasn't awful. Just kind of stung. And I drank a bunch of Squirt afterward. And you know, I think it must take a lot of alcohol to affect me, because I didn't feel anything. So I wonder if I will ever get drunk, just because I don't like the taste, I don't know if I would ever be able to consume enough alcohol to get to that point. So I guess that is a good thing.
And then I got a ride home at four in the morning, and Sarah had brought Nick to sleep on our floor because he was drunk. She warned me beforehand, and it was fine because I knew Nick since he was in my FIG last year. I just found it very amusing.

So, look at me, being all social and having friends. I definitely felt more hopeful about the year after that. I mean, after having my crying spell, I also resolved to make an effort. And I texted several people that go to UT, saying we should catch up. So there. I'm trying. Oh, and it did make me feel better whenever Carolynn would reiterate how glad she was that I was back. And I didn't realize that she considered me to be in her group of favorite people, but I guess it makes sense, because she loves her comics people the most. So it's just nice.
Speaking of trying, I've barely talked to my roommate Sarah. Just offhand conversation, but it's so different from last year with Joy. I don't know how, maybe it was because Joy was so outgoing, but it was so much easier to talk to her. We learned so much about each other and talked a lot about things. And I just need to figure out how to start that with Sarah. It's just that...I'm so shy. But whatever, I would like to be friends with her. She seems nice enough. And she invited me to go with her and her friends last night, but I had the comics party.
I just hope she doesn't think I'm too antisocial. I mean, I know I am. Well I was out until four, so hopefully she thinks I have a life, ha. But I mean she's always with her friends, and I'm either out by myself, or in the room by myself. But what can I say, I like chilling in my room. I don't get to do that at home, you know? Like actual peace and quiet. The chance to do whatever I want, whether it be to go out or to just sit and watch A Very Potter Sequel. Which is what I did tonight lol. Unfortunately, I had missed a text from Kayla, the film major, about getting coffee, because I was skyping with Hillary, and we were watching A Very Potter Sequel together via the shared screen feature. Which is quite nifty. Although we had to stop when Sarah and her friend came in, just because I don't know, it just looks a bit weird, ha. But I was quite happy with my decision to stay in and order pizza and watch AVPS. Nicely balanced out by my late night out last night, haha.

So things are alright. It's nice being back at college. I just need to fix things, keep up with other things, and make more of an effort.
First day of classes tomorrow. Blah.

You know, I'm kind of worried.
My outlook on this year was- is hopeful. I plan to try harder to be social, actually make an effort to make friends. Study a ton, make better grades. I will do these things. However, I've been here less than a day and already I am getting back into my little comfort zone. Bringing my laptop to lunch so I can eat alone and read webcomics in peace. This is a bad thing.
Good things have happened though. Moving in I already knew the RA who checked me in, Quily! And then I saw Becky, Danica, and Veronica around. And it was just cool to be like, hey how's your summer this is cool because I know you, evidence that I have been here before and I am no longer a completely friendless freshman.
I am now a nearly friendless but plentiful in acquaintances sophomore!

I was excited to come back, believe it or not. I missed my room, the campus, the buildings. But I also kind of forgot how lonely it is to be here. Not until I was arranging all my things to look exactly as they were before (I used old pictures as references), did I think about it.
My new roommate, Sarah, kept leaving and coming back. Funnily enough, coming back to college means hanging out with friends, to most people. And I realized that after I finish moving back and rearranging everything, I have no one that I feel comfortable enough to text. Like, hey dude I'm back let's chill!
Well, I guess I do have a few people, actually. It's just not the same. But then again I must do what I told myself to do and make an effort. Because if I do that enough times maybe I can get to the point where it'll feel natural to text these people.
At least I have a comics party to look forward to tonight. Woo!

I've started writing entries so many times, but I've never been able to finish. I've wanted to discuss my renewed love (and obsession) with Harry Potter, dreary summer days, angry outbursts, and other such things. But not until just now have I really felt up to the task.
After using the internet via my phone for quite a while, I realized that I hadn't properly surfed the internet for days. So I was just sitting there with Ace of Cakes and later Family Guy playing in the background, looking up the various comics and blogs that I used to keep up with during college, and it reminded me of being at school. I really haven't done either of these things since I left. And an idea for a comic hit me (though now I don't remember what it was- but that's besides the point), and I felt like, 'hey, I kind of feel like going back to school now.' And I started thinking of the things I used to do, and finally, I felt like it was time to write in the ol' blog again. Because by golly, it has been ages since I last wrote.

And now to go off on a minor tangent, but speaking of finally feeling like something familiar, this was always a sensation that bothered me a bit. It always brought be relief, but it also perplexed me. The whole idea of not feeling myself for days, or even months, and then all of sudden hitting some mental wall, waking up and feeling like things are back to how they should be. Like I was feeling like my old self. This relieved me, naturally, in that I felt like things were falling into place. But it bothers me because I don't quite know what that means. I don't know what entails being like my old self, or at least which version I'm referring to. Because there are many old versions of myself I would not like to go back to. For instance, my angsty middle school self that did indeed resurface one day this summer. Or that insecure, slightly unreasonable, old self that possessed me during the last weeks of senior year. I still feel like that one bobbles about in the back of my mind, still too often than is necessary.
My point? I guess I should figure out what the official, approved version of Claudine that I like to think is my "old self" my default nature, or rather, what I would prefer to be like all the time. I'm actually a bit wary as to what my "default" nature should be.
While this is sounding more and more like an identity crisis, I thinks it's more of me just liking to define myself. Which is just something I do. Similar to how I have to list things, I must always 'officialize' and define things in my head, just for the sake of organization, if anything. It is the reason why I always have to list my friends in my head, my favorite songs, my favorite movies. If someone ask about me, this is what I have to say. And now I feel as if I have to officialize further, even deeper into my own head. Because to define what I would like my nature to be like- well, first of all, it's a bit stupid. How can one do that? But sometimes I just think to think and I write to help me think, so this can be one of those times.
And while I have not reached an actual conclusion I feel like this tangent is done.

So, Summer 2010. It's had it's moments. It has not been bad at all really, but I do feel like it's been the oddest summer of late. Partially stemming from the fact that I am not allowed to get a job or do anything that requires rigorous scheduling in order to place physical therapy as top priority. Actually, I'm almost sure that this is the main reason for the "oddness" of this summer.
In high school, I always had something. Summer school, trips to Europe with the family, internship, volunteering, music camps, and always always summer band at the end. And now this big gaping nothing. Mind you, I have a list. But the only thing I have accomplished is rereading Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows.
My last real, event related entry was right after graduation. So hopeful, so ready to do things. I cannot honestly think of a less productive summer in recent memory. And that is a very disappointing thing. It's been fun. Let's list, shall we. The grad parties were enjoyable. I realize that most people think of these as boring, but I honestly had fun. Made me feel like it was that time last year again. If only for a little bit. The LCD Soundsystem concert was absolutely amazing. Just brilliant. Allowed me to fulfill my desire for a dance party. I was able to sing at the top of my lungs 'All My Friends' along with James Murphy, a dream come true really- embarrassingly caught on video, my own fault. But everything did come full circle. Like I said. The littluns graduated, and I saw my song of the year performed live. (And all was well. Har har.)
Toy Story 3 at midnight, and I the feelings of nostalgia came rushing back. I am much too sentimental for my own good. However, as a recurring theme this summer, I couldn't help but shed a few tears. Pathetic, I know. Chalk escapades with my husband. We wrote a quote on the wall of the parking garage.

"Well, this is the end of a perfect day,
Near the end of a journey, too."

Good ol' Bartlett's book of quotes. But it seemed perfect for the time. And Zamin and I were awfully pleased with ourselves (I would post pictures, but I am shamefully lazy). Stayed at the Hilton for a week while the floors were fixed. Did a bit of crafts with lovely people, had a dance party of sorts at Amanda's that became more of just a pool party. Enjoyed the concierge lounge at the hotel. Oh, and waited in line for 12 hours for a phone. Yes, I was one of those people. But oh how I love the thing. Imagine, a phone without a crack in the screen that doesn't delete my texts and add the word "Body" to the ends of texts! Brilliant. Except for that whole dropped call thing, but oh well.
In health news, I got an injection at the beginning of the summer. It was wonderful, and I no longer have to take pain medication everyday. However, I did slack on my home exercises while at the hotel, and that was a shame. But now I am back to it, and hopefully I will be much better by school. Oh Lord, I really hope so. But in the mean time, Tramadol is wonderful.
As for everything else, it all gets a bit hazy because I stopped inserting everything I did into my calendar. But it's very helpful, not just for keeping a schedule, but also to document exactly how I've been spending my time. Because really, I have no idea.
How shall I go about hitting the aforementioned subjects? I guess just in order of how I listed.

About two weeks ago I obsessed over the Sporcle quiz involving naming the Top 200 Harry Potter Characters by mention. I would not rest until I got them all. And on the third day, I achieved my goal. And then what to do? I remembered my goal of rereading HPatDH and hopped to it. I had forgotten exactly how epic the book was and how much I love Jo Rowling's writing style. And I was obsessed, yet again.
I have always been a Harry Potter nerd, but in recent years it has been put on the backburner. No longer did I check Mugglenet everyday, figure out ways to be as much of a wizard as possible in the Muggle world. I got so far as to have quills and ink pots, parchment (of my own making), and a wax seal. I guess I went the stationery route. I had asked Santa for a wand in third grade, and I suppose my parents didn't know what to make of that and simply gave me a magic 8 ball. I had a cloak, and I guess that's when I began picking up sticks and collecting them, with the thought that they would make good wands. I still have several of these on my desk in my room. I distinctly remember thinking that carrier pigeons would be the closest thing I would get to owl post.
Anyway. Let me just say that it's been years since I've been quite that obsessed. However, rereading Deathly Hallows rekindled my love for the series, and combined with abc family's wonderful Harry Potter weekend, I was hooked. Again. I looked up interviews that Rowling did, learning extra tidbits not put in the books. I watched all the movies again. Decided to reread all of the books, though the original plan had only been for the seventh. I also made the hasty decision that my twentieth birthday would be celebrated with a pilgrimage to the Wizarding World of Harry Potter. I looked up recipes for wizarding food, including a delicious looking recipe for pumpkin pasties, might I add, and plans for a Harry Potter party filled my head with much more vigor than earlier in the summer. After poking around in my closet I happily found my old cloak. While I originally wore it ironically, I found I became far too comfortable in it. At one point Christine entered the living room and guffawed at the sight of my sitting on the couch in my cloak, watching the fifth Harry Potter movie with the second HP novel by my side. I also figured out that I have the necessary pieces to make up a Hogwarts outfit, apart from the crucial tie- a very happy realization.
More importantly, it reminded me of one of the reasons why I loved the series so much, as with all my favorite books. It transported me somewhere else. To an entirely different world, and it was a marvelous and wondrous thing. Because recently I truly realized how unrelaxing it was to be home for the summer. While I had always said that, it didn't hit me hard until last week.

Incidentally, the main source for said depression is trying to knock my hands away from the laptop as it is four in the morning and the light from it is finally getting to him. Poor thing. I will finish tomorrow with another entry.

So. I don't want to be a writer.
I used to think that I did.
But I don't.
I mean, I'm not very good at it.

I just think too much. And writing is the only way I can organize things in my head.
So here I am again.

I really need to not make it a habit to listen to 'All My Friends' when I'm feeling particularly morose or wistful. Because however much I love that song, it never helps improve my mood. It mostly just makes me feel things even more. And possibly cry about it. Why must I cry all the time?
I don't think people used to be this angsty. Not to say that I'm angsty, I just get slightly frustrated at how easily my mood changes. Which made me think about how I can be really happy sometimes and excited about everything, and then something happens and immediately I'm just slightly depressed and in the mood to write about how things are not going so well. Although the "not going so well" part has actually passed I think. I believe we have now reached the "everything is slightly sucky but mostly at a stand still, which is not very good but a bit of an improvement" phase. Or not even that. It's kind of that time when I don't know what to think. Which bothers me.
But that wasn't my point. I mean, when these moods pass, I can't help but think about how hundreds of years ago people had more important things to worry about. Like collecting food to survive, dealing with wild animals, trying to grow crops to support their livelihood. It's when people started to be able to sit around on their asses more often that they started to contemplate the meaning of it all.

And then those writers started writing what they thought, and everyone started complaining and talking about the human condition. And then they created art to express it, movies and plays to show it, and music to emphasize it and make you feel it more. Whatever it is that people feel about things.
I mean, we all do kind of think the same things. Even if we don't realize it.

Recently I rediscovered the genius of Carl Sagan. He really was a great guy. He had this to say about that famous picture, Pale Blue Dot. (google/wiki it)

"Look again at that dot. That's here. That's home. That's us. On it everyone you love, everyone you know, everyone you ever heard of, every human being who ever was, lived out their lives. The aggregate of our joy and suffering, thousands of confident religions, ideologies, and economic doctrines, every hunter and forager, every hero and coward, every creator and destroyer of civilization, every king and peasant, every young couple in love, every mother and father, hopeful child, inventor and explorer, every teacher of morals, every corrupt politician, every 'superstar,' every 'supreme leader,' every saint and sinner in the history of our species lived there — on a mote of dust suspended in a sunbeam.
The Earth is a very small stage in a vast cosmic arena. Think of the rivers of blood spilled by all those generals and emperors so that, in glory and triumph, they could become the momentary masters of a fraction of a dot. Think of the endless cruelties visited by the inhabitants of one corner of this pixel on the scarcely distinguishable inhabitants of some other corner, how frequent their misunderstandings, how eager they are to kill one another, how fervent their hatreds.
Our posturings, our imagined self-importance, the delusion that we have some privileged position in the Universe, are challenged by this point of pale light. Our planet is a lonely speck in the great enveloping cosmic dark. In our obscurity, in all this vastness, there is no hint that help will come from elsewhere to save us from ourselves.
The Earth is the only world known so far to harbor life. There is nowhere else, at least in the near future, to which our species could migrate. Visit, yes. Settle, not yet. Like it or not, for the moment the Earth is where we make our stand.
It has been said that astronomy is a humbling and character-building experience. There is perhaps no better demonstration of the folly of human conceits than this distant image of our tiny world. To me, it underscores our responsibility to deal more kindly with one another, and to preserve and cherish the pale blue dot, the only home we've ever known."

After reading that, it's pretty much impossible not think about what a genius Carl Sagan is. So eloquent. And so very very right.
I showed this to Christine, and she too appreciated the man's greatness. She immediately went about ordering one of books and fervently Googling everything about him.
This quote from his wife made me quite sad.

"When my husband died, because he was so famous and known for not being a believer, many people would come up to me—it still sometimes happens—and ask me if Carl changed at the end and converted to a belief in an afterlife. They also frequently ask me if I think I will see him. Carl faced his death with unflagging courage and never sought refuge in illusions. The tragedy was that we knew we would never see each other. I don't ever expect to be reunited with Carl."

Geez. I mean, it's true though. But I never thought how very sad it would be to be an atheist, knowing you will never see your loved ones again.
I'm not very religious myself. I'm technically a Catholic, but I do find it very hard to reconcile logic with faith. I can see both sides, and I don't know if I'll ever manage to have a solid set of beliefs. It's probably slightly immature of me, but I just don't want to think about it.
I really do appreciate what faith does for people, what it inspires. But I don't know.

Anyway, I started writing about all this earlier, but I'm no longer in the mood. A day has passed, and I'm back to being somewhat content.